“Oh fuck, I heard it pop in warmies!”
To say we’ve all been there before would be completely true. You sneak into the barn 10 minutes before your first round, low level playoff game that was randomly scheduled at 10:00 am on a Saturday, mentally prepared, oh yes, but physical preparation took a backseat to blasting rap and techno as you go the exact speed limit down the highway waiting for the red bull to kick in.
As you valet your whip (or simply park the car like a peasant in the lot), you rush into the dressing room to see half your team fully dressed waiting for the Zam to finish off the last three passes. You think to yourself, “I know I’m supposed to stretch, but I have so much Taurine running through my blood I’ll just let the adrenaline from fan presence (3 employees and 2 wives) carry my body to victory like the angels in Angels in the Outfield.
You walk onto the ice like you just got called up to the show, drop to your first butterfly while the ref is trying to do the “goalie you ready?” signal to get the opening draw under way. And it happens….’pop’……you sigh.
Now, nothing is really going through your head at this point. You think, well, I’m 28 years old, I popped it once when I was younger in the ACHA All Star Tournament at 9:00 am after a 13-hour drive doing college activities on the way with the boys, but I recovered quickly. Think again, the burn start’s setting in each time you drop. You’re getting crabbier by the minute, you’ve thrown several blocker’s to the back of 45-year old’s heads each whistle, you can’t wait for the first to be over to finally tell the boys about your injury.
The game ends, you lead your team to a big playoff win, and all you can think of is how you are not going to skip your round two playoff game the very next night, even if that includes a trip to a minute clinic for cortisone injection.
It’s now been 5 weeks from that injury, and you have taken zero time off from hockey, have not changed your pregame routine, have not followed your Chiropractors “recovery” plan, and have no intentions of making any changes to anything as you wake up with burning sensations in the groin region each morning. Well here are a few tips to get yourself back to feeling right:
Constantly talk about your injury to the boys, your wife or girlfriend, your coworkers, and your kids
- This will help you get that pent up frustration you deal with every day from your injury as it lingers. You go to work like a big boy but walk like a little girl. You put the onus onto your family, friends, and loved ones to help you seek help to help yourself
Tell your family, friends, and teammates that you’ll rest up when you’re dead
- Your passion and heart will go far beyond just the barn: Your wife will respect you more, your girlfriend will give you a ton of ass for being so masculine, kids will look up to you and want to be you, and your teammates will never blame a goal on you because you’re “playing through injury” for them
Go to a Physical Therapist, ask no questions, and take any massages they offer
- You may get your back adjusted or groin reset or whatever the terminology is, but who was listening anyways? Take the meaningless stretches that have been provided to you and park them in the back of your head, ask the front desk pig when your massage is scheduled for, and come back as often as financially sustainable to let man or woman “heal” your injury that will help you get through the next 90 minutes of your day
Fight with your wife every time you have a game on back-to-back nights
- Remember, telling your wife you have consecutive nights of games while she has watched the kids the past 4 days as you were on your business trip will not go over well, especially in conjunction with your grueling injury you have not stopped talking about. The only way to get your blood pumping to the spot of the pull is to get your blood pressure higher by arguing about anything and everything just before you leave the house
- Add a heat pad or icy-hot on your injured area while fighting to enhance blood flow
Play until you require surgery or cannot walk any longer
- Until someone forces you to sit out a game, you DO NOT rest your injury
You should now be adequately prepared to play through and overcome any, and all goalie related injuries. Happy Gonging.